There was this time in my life where I am jealous of the people who can manage to do everything.
I often ask “How do they do it?” They look so fearless unbound by rules or limitations. Unlike this poor sheltered girl like me.
Until I met great people and learned from them.
Here are the three things that stopped me in my tracks before:
1.) Building Someone Else’s Dream Instead of my own
I am a dreamer.
It was my dream to become a professional singer & songwriter. Until i stopped dreaming about that dream in my head. What was the picture? To be known as Asia’s princess of Jazz. I saw myself mesmerizing people with my songs not just in gigs but also in radio programs and TV shows. I have seen myself with OPM legends and other musicians as we play in concerts, sign autographs and take groupies – that was the dream. But everything changed. All of those dreams were buried somewhere inside me. Everything changed after college. I accepted a job offer reminding myself that it is the right thing to do. Because I don’t want to disappoint my parents, I have to earn and pay the bills and I need to be practical and realistic. And I get it… I have marching orders and I have to do it.
It’s been over a year and I don’t know if I should regret the decisions I’ve made. But I am now definitely happy. And this job doesn’t stop me from doing what I love. I am grateful that I found the best people in the office who guided me on how to live that dream. They taught me that it is all about timing and confidence, and that proper time management and control can balance everything. I realized that the problem is not really about the situation or my dream. It’s about me, how should I decide and prioritize things in my life.
2.) Worrying About nothing
Before, I used to overthink things. Call me a worrier.
I hate it. I don’t like it but I cannot stop myself. Whenever I am in a certain situation like talking to an old friend, texting my best friend or in a small meeting… I have this tendency to over analyze things, find motives behind why a person behaves that way. I have this habit of saying things like something’s strange and it seems like your actions are different from what you said. I am stopping myself from doing things I want because I have if/s and but/s all the time. I’m hurting myself from thinking about things that (probably) doesn’t exist. There was even a time in my life where I broke up with my boyfriend because I thought he was taking me for a ride. I thought he was playing me.
I’ve been in this phase for a long time until I realized that fear grips me. I was once afraid and you know what? Something from the film “Her” shown last 2013 taught me something, it was from Amy’s line: “You know what, I can over think everything and find a million ways to doubt myself. I’ve just come to realize that, we’re only here briefly. And while I’m here, I wanna allow myself joy. So fuck it.”
I learned that I should trust people with all of my heart. It’s okay not to be okay. I faced all the things that scare me, it helped me grow and gain self-confidence. I should not expect too much.
3.) She is a Nobody
I was once an underdog.
I felt like a loser. All I can see are bitches trying to ruin my life! Every single day, I encounter people who have angst about their own life, and shitting other people’s life, like mine. These are the people who will look at you as if you don’t know anything. It is tiring to deal with them and you cannot focus whenever you need to work with them. Then I told myself, why? Why are these bitches behaving like this? Why do they look at me as if I am nobody? Maybe I forgot something. Yes, I forgot to teach them how to treat me. I allowed bullies to ruin me. It’s my fault that I didn’t stand on my own before. That’s why I learned that it is important to develop a backbone and become a pain in the ass. Besides some people are just terrible human beings, and I think that we already know that terrible people do terrible things.
In the end, all I wanted to say is that it’s never too late! We have the freedom to decide what our highest priorities are, we can choose to be happy and have the courage – pleasantly to say “NO” to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger “YES” burning inside.